No More I Love Yous
by Mynuet
Summary: Kagome has some hard thinking to do about what love means.


No More "I Love You"s  
  
by Sharlene  
  
Kagome sat with her back to a tree, staring into her small fire. She had retreated to her world seeking solitude, only to find it impossible to think with the noise of the city around and the risk that Inuyasha might show up any time. Her mother had listened to her calmly and then suggested that Kagome camp at a forest park outside the city for a few days.  
  
Her mother's advice had been excellent, as usual. Kagome threw another stick on the fire as she mused over the gentle and patient woman who always had a kind word and a warm hug waiting for whenever her children needed her. Before her time in the feudal era, Kagome had taken her mother for granted, rolling her eyes when chores prevented her from going out with her friends.  
  
A lot had changed, and Kagome was sitting alone in the woods because she needed to sort out how many of these changes were internal. She needed to decide, without distractions, what changes were unacceptable and should be changed back.  
  
They had been hunting shards when Inuyasha had gotten hurt protecting Kagome and her heart had swelled to near bursting with love for him. She had finally said out loud the words she had said in her heart thousands of times. "I love you, Inuyasha."  
  
He had stared at her in silence and she'd wondered if he was ever going to speak. Then his eyes had slid past her and he'd breathed out, "Kikyo..."  
  
Kagome had turned to see the undead miko standing utterly still, tears glinting in her eyes. Kagome had stood up calmly, stated that she had a test to study for, and walked away without a single backward glance.  
  
Kagome's eyes were dry as she stared into the fire and relived the feeling of her heart bleeding. The pain was too deep to be relieved by the mercy of tears. She was in love, truly and deeply in love, with someone who didn't love her.  
  
It had been exciting at first. The danger of their lives was thrilling and her heart fluttered at how handsome he was. She had spun a multitude of pretty fantasies casting them as the prince and princess of a fairy tale and sighing at the thought of happily ever after. Every song on the radio had been about them, and she had hugged her pillow at night and dreamt of him.  
  
Then Kikyo had been reborn and she had learned that love could hurt.  
  
Every time that she had watched him stare off into space, she had wondered who he was thinking of and a thorn had slipped into her heart. Every time she saw them together, saw how completely devoted Inuyasha was to his first love, her heart had bled. An ocean of secret tears had been caught by her pillow as she tried to do what was right, what would make him happy. Every time, her optimism had returned and she had cherished the hope that he really was growing to care for her as she cared for him.  
  
She snapped a fallen branch in half and tossed it into the fire, watching it flare and crackle. Her hope was gone, melted and disappeared like a candle near an open flame. No more 'I love you's. She wasn't capable of them.  
  
A cracking twig alerted her to the fact she wasn't alone. A harsh voice let her know it was the person she least wanted to speak to at the moment. "Oi, what are you doing wasting time instead of looking for shards like you're supposed to be?"  
  
She didn't bother to look up. "I'm thinking, Inuyasha. Some of us don't consider it a waste of time."  
  
Inuyasha plopped down to sit cross legged on the ground, his profile turned to her as he faced the fire. "What're you thinking about?"  
  
Kagome shrugged. "Nothing that matters to you." She still wouldn't look at him, afraid that the hope that she'd so recently cherished would flicker back to life. It would only get crushed again, and she didn't want to feel that pain again. Ever.  
  
Inuyasha looked at her face and wondered if maybe the pain from his wounds had created an illusion. Maybe he hadn't heard her say she loved him. He looked down at his hands, wondering why someone with as much strength as he had in those hands was so weak when it came to words. "Are you coming back at all?"  
  
He didn't know if he wanted her to answer.  
  
"Yes. I broke the Shikon no Tama, and so it's my responsibility to make sure it gets put back together again." She hadn't realized she had made that decision until she heard herself say it, but her sense of duty was so deeply ingrained it was the only option, however painful or difficult it might be.  
  
The tension inside Inuyasha released, making him feel slightly dizzy. She was coming back, and nothing had changed. "So let's go, wench. Shippo's going to drive me insane with his whining for you."  
  
"No, Inuyasha." His ears flicked back on his head at her tone. Normally when he would demand she come back to him, she would scream and shout while gathering her things. This time, her voice had sounded flat and uninterested, and she hadn't stirred from her position under the tree. She continued speaking in the same tone, and he knew something had changed, something important. "I'll come back when I'm ready, and Shippo will understand that. If you don't like listening to him in the meanwhile, leave him with Kaede."  
  
"How long are you going to waste time here? Thinking can't take THAT long!" He tried to fight the rising sense of panic he felt.  
  
It grew ten times worse when she looked at him. He could have handled anger, sadness, or even hatred, but seeing indifference in her face made his stomach tighten into a knot of anxiety. "My time is my own to waste." Kagome shrugged, the bark of the tree scraping against her back the only thing that felt real to her in that moment.  
  
"Y-you have to--" Be happy again, tell me to sit, fuss over me when I'm hurt. Love me. Come back to me. Come back with me. Make everything like it was before. Understand me.  
  
"No, I don't." She met his eyes then, and there was steel in them. "I don't have to do anything, Inuyasha. What I choose to do is another matter, and right now I choose to be alone."  
  
His mouth snapped shut and he nodded, once. He looked so hurt, so sad, that her heart cried out with wanting to comfort him, but she couldn't. Not this time. The pain was too raw, and more would kill her. She stared into the fire as he walked away.  
  
At the edge of the clearing he stopped, his back to her, his head bent so that his bangs hid his eyes. Without turning, he said, "If I abandoned my promises to Kikyo, I would be less than a man. I can't... Can't do what I want to do." His breath caught in his throat and he swallowed before continuing. "You should be happy. Don't come back if you'll be sad."  
  
Before she could answer, he ran, every ounce of demon power and will fueling his desperate flight. He didn't know precisely where he was running, other than away. Away from Kagome, away from Kikyo, away from the feeling that he couldn't win, that he was doomed to a life alone. He went through the well, not pausing to say anything to the friends who waited on the other side, not wanting to hear their recriminations or dubious comfort. Deeper and deeper into the forest he ran, clenching his jaw to remind himself that emotions should never get the better of a strong youkai. Let her stay away. He would do what he needed to do, what he had to do. Once it was done, with Naraku defeated, Kikyo avenged, and his promises fulfilled, then, if he was alive, he would be free. Then he would be worthy of fighting for Kagome, of burdening her with the love of a hanyou.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And, yes, that little squiggly line says that that's where I stopped. Is this The End? Maybe not, since I like happy endings and waff. Still, this is the mood I was in, and I don't think it's an inappropriate ending to this particular moment in time. If this -does- get woven into a story longer than a one-shot, it'll probably turn into an epic story that takes forever to update (ask fans of my Slayers stories about Triptych updates, go on, ask 'em - just watch out for the pitchforks), so maybe it'll just stay as it is, unabashed angst. And the title is from the song that stuck this picture in my head, "No More 'I Love You's", sung by Annie Lennox in the version I've got. Lyrics can be found here: http://www.chez.com/ddbruin/item/lxnomore.htm 


End file.
